Missing my Angel

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I have been thinking about Keira a lot recently. If you don’t know her story already then you can read it here. Keira is my little girl who sadly came at just 23 weeks and lived for ten hours. She was born on the 4th April 2011. I was devastated but slowly learning to live with what happened. Although I now have Izebella plus Ryan and Jordanna, nothing will ever make up for her loss.
Many people who lose a child will say that they were grateful for the time with them. Sadly I don’t feel that way. I feel angry and bitter that I never got a chance to meet her properly. I got to see her in neonatal and held her as she took her tiny last breaths but I never got to know her nor cuddle her properly nor dress her or give her a bath. Those ten hours were spent in an incubator and she never got to see the world outside. Some may say I should be grateful for those tiny yeh hours but I can’t be as I feel robbed of a lifetime with my daughter.
Keira would have been two and a half years by now and I often imagine how she would be and what she would look like.
Many people say stupid things like “if Keira had lived then Izebella wouldn’t be here” which almost makes me feel like they think I don’t love Izebella as much but they are wrong. Izebella is my gorgeous miracle. Even if Keira had made it, it’s highly likely I’d have both Izebella and Keira as Izebellas pregnancy wasn’t planned.
Many people don’t know this but after I lost Keira in April 2011 I became pregnant again very soon after. This pregnancy seemed to be going well until the dreaded 20 week scan which showed this baby had no heartbeat. 3 days later I had to be induced and deliver the poor baby. The baby which I sadly never named had a Cystic Hygroma and is likely to have passed at 17 weeks. They could not tell the babies sex but I believe it was a boy. This happened end of September 2011. Therefore two huge losses in one year.
I was so scared during Izebellas pregnancy but luckily my gorgeous miracle baby made it and I love her so much along with Ryan and Jordanna.
As Christmas is approaching it makes me think about my other babies who should be here but sadly aren’t and never will be. I hope they are happy as angels.

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3 Comments

  1. October 20, 2013 / 18:07

    I’m so sorry to hear about your little girl. I can’t fathom how you must feel.

  2. October 21, 2013 / 11:11

    On bless you, what a truly awful year you must have had. The memories never fade. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago, the baby was due on Rembrance day so in my head the baby was Poppy. It’s not easy, what ever the circumstances is it xx

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